I have never really talked about my anxiety, it has always been a taboo topic. No one wants to be friends with someone who has depression or anxiety issues, you just don’t speak of it or you joke about it – it was how I was raised, everyone knew but no one spoke of it. I have been to a therapist and it helped it gave me the tools I needed to manage it – I have always been pretty good at managing it, exercise and painting. I will say the older I get the less motivated I am to exercise and finding time to paint is hard also. When I don’t exercise, my anxiety kicks up and depression sets in because I start gaining weight and feel like crap. I know this, one would think this would be all the motivation I need, it is not. So I continue going through the motions every day. I put on a brave face and go out there everyday, with the little voices saying I am a fraud or what happens if they don’t like what I recommend, I am responsible for ruining their time in Savannah. I am not quite sure what caused it to act up this week, maybe it is my court date for my speeding ticket from February or the offer to take Jeff’s aunt and uncle on a private tour of downtown. It could be the fact my house is in shambles and my in-laws are coming in two weeks or the fact my son changes his mind on lunch and snack every morning, and then complains when I get upset. My dear friend passing away, one who always encouraged me to work through it – the kick in the stomach on that is still there and will be for sometime. It could also be the fact I am trying to get myself in a gallery, redoing a website and commission pieces (all of my own accord) or the fact I get asked daily when am I going to apply for Les Clef d’Or the thought give me heart palpitations. It could be all of the above and I need to put on a brave face, enjoy being a hostess in my beautiful city. Maybe after Thursday everything will go back in the little box where it belongs, cause that is how I deal with it.
The thought of putting this out in the world literally makes me sick to my stomach but I want to let others know they are not alone.